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More Odes to Golf and Friendship

The Two Ronnies and me (Lex) met at infant school in Percy Main Primary School in 1941 and we now play golf together every week. Here are a couple of verses about their style of play.


(Ron ‘The Riddler’ has a unique and unorthodox golf swing that should not produce good results, but does. Bal is a great player and tries to alter Ron’s style to a more conventional swing.)

Bal’s trying gently to explain
That his advice will be in vain
And each good shot a lucky fluke
And all you’ll get is slice and hook
Of certain loops you cannot do
Yet make your swing both strong and true.

Golfers cannot have a loop in swing
In pure golf, there’s no such thing
The turn of hip, the upward lift
Of braced left arm, the lateral shift
Then out of nowhere, there it goes
The Riddler loop when on his toes

With body poised, right elbow in
The downward swing can now begin
His powerful body transmits great speed
To search for the ball there is no need
Look, down the fairway, there is it is
Lying proud in the distance, yes, it’s his!

How does he make these mighty strikes
With such a loop? Get on your bike!
He should be intent on finding out
Why bluebells grow among the trees
And gorse sways gently in the breeze
Why fairways are not wide enough

And Bedlington seems choked with rough
But not our Ron, his golfing skills
Are not transcended by the thrill
Of seeing a loop at the top of his swing
How does he do it? None can say


(Bal is a great player and often offers coaching advice, which is almost always ignored)

Great clubhead speed I do aver
Is something which does not occur
With super strength and snakes to kill
A strongman’s curse will make Bal ill

There are certain moves Lex, which you must do
To make your swing and timing true
I’ll give up hope beyond the pale
If on one vital point you fail

Commence your swing with firm left hand
And do your best to understand
The clubhead must be taken back
With action smooth along the track

Close to the ground and so until
Your arms a leisured arc fulfil
Your shoulder turn should be complete
And once again Lex, I repeat
Your solid right knee provides the clue
To strength and balance known to few

The downward swing commences now
To hit through the ball, and you know how
Your latent power, so long contained
But NOW, released and unrestrained
Explodes from your right hand and wrist
Straight through the ball and very low
As far as outstretched hand will go

There’s nothing more, except that you
Can now complete the follow through
Have all these thoughts at your command
And then I’ll know you understand
Why length is yours if you succeed and
Rhythm does build up great clubhead speed

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